I have been thinking alot lately, It seems this 20 something age is having a toil on me, I'm at this stage where I have to be more of everything (Independent, responsible, career driven and purposeful).
Its a fun place to be but its also very overwhelming especially when you have no one to share the struggles and good times with. I hear you saying, but you are a twin and you have friends, yes I do, but have you ever been in a room full of people you know but you feel very lonely? I'm like that alot this days.
You have to wear your make-up nicely and dress nicely as well yet you are a mess inside because you are not sure if you made the right decisions, doing the right things or you are at the right place.
Let me take you back to when I was 20 and how I thought my life would have played out by now...Married to a God fearing man, Working for God or handling a ministry for him, have a business that is blooming and very happy and at peace with my life.
I'm not saying all this won't happen eventually, neither am I timing God, these states the importance of this post.
I have been doing some soul cleansing and talking to God alot these days and with that I came to a conclusion that for everything to go right, I need to first of all give God all.
I need to get to that place where I sincerely believe God is enough and I trust him totally. I'm not saying I don't have my doubting moments, I do but we need to learn to move from there.
God doesn't despise our baby steps, he wants to grow with us. That's what I have learnt. I'm reading alot of books about knowing God and the Holy Spirit.
Having placed the God factor in my life as my sole aim, I decided to divide the other spheres of my life into 5: Individuality, Independence, Relationships, Career, and Purpose.
Individuality- I do something's lately and I ask myself, Taiwo was that you? LOL! It seems to me like I'm growing to be a different person from who I used to be. I feel like I need to find myself (which I'm doing gradually). I like some of my new characters but I think some just stink(lol) though some of my friends like them because to them I'm better than I used to be (if you knew me, you would know I was unfriendly and I was pretty quiet) and this days I think I'm too nice and I talk too much.
I'm at that place where I feel I need to learn to keep my own company (not that I don't know how but I need to do a bit more like take myself out, spoil myself e.t.c), I need to learn to be happy and joyful on my own. I need to know who I am and learn to complete me before someone else can, and all those personal stuffs. My values haven't changed much (I'm still pretty much old fashioned) but I can't seem to answer if I'm an introvert or an extrovert, I feel like I'm in between.
Independence: when I was younger, I had looked forward to this time of my life but its a different story now. I still live with my parents but that's all I have, accommodation and feeding. I make decisions for myself now without having to tell my mum or twin. Its a weird place to be and it is very overwhelming especially when it comes to my business decisions but it could be very interesting too.
I get scared of making the wrong decisions but I learnt that's where God comes in, I have to let him handle that and I just follow his lead. I need to learn to trust him totally.
Relationships: When I talk about relationships I don't mean the opposite sex alone. I want to grow and have meaningful relationships with both men and women meaning I will have to drop off some baggage's. As I grow older, I realize the importance of 'True Friendship' and I have come to know that a true friend isn't someone you see everyday but someone you know will always be there for you, this is the part where I thank God for giving me my one and only TRUE FRIEND (my twin Kehinde). A friend like this is rare but you will know when you have found one.
Some people think I'm too marriage oriented(if there is anything like that). I'm a sucker for love but I won't tell you I'm the best person to talk to about relationships(I'm quite knowledgeable in that area though, thanks to the uncountable books I have read and my church) but I have had my fair share of heart breaks like any girl my age and I must confess, it gets lonely sometimes being single and not having someone you can call yours(you know, the one you can call at midnight just to whine and he is ready to listen amongst other things) but I'm learning to let God handle this too, I can't say I want the best and I would meet/get him based on my own understanding.
I'm just learning to be a better person and grooming myself while I wait,as my (spiritual) big sister will say, my waiting period is a very essential part of my life, where I know my purpose and define my walk with God. Once married, I can't take this time back.
Career: This is a major part of my life right now. I quit my full time job for business not because I'm strong but honestly I just felt I had to make a decision and I must say, it has been an awesome experience and I have enjoyed the journey so far but I still worry if I made the right decision, maybe I should have worked some more, maybe I should have asked God if that's what he really wanted me to do, will I succeed in this? Maybe I should have gotten capital before starting out, When will I meet my God sent helper?....I have so many questions but the Holy Spirit has been dealing with me lately, all he is asking me to do is drop it at God's feet. It reminds me of Matthew 6:27 ''Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?'' No matter how much I worry, I can't make a difference. I'm getting to that place where I'm so tired of questioning and crying, but just asking him to take total control.
Purpose: I have been wondering and asking what I'm on earth for, what I'm meant to be doing, if I'm doing what God wanted me to do. Sometimes I think maybe I'm just meant to do things I enjoy and help others while at It but sometimes its not fulfilling so I'm guessing that's not my purpose.
Like one of my Pastors will say, 'You have to consciously and intentionally live a life of purpose', and for this to happen, I have to step back and check my relationship with God because he is the only one who can make my purpose known to me and help feel the void I feel .
I need to stop here, (sigh) that's me sharing the dark and grey areas of my life with you, do you have any?
Thanks for stopping by....
''I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me'' PHILIPPIANS 4:13