By ‘Seun Salami
Here is a story my friend wrote and I find it interesting, so I thought I should share it with you.
118 BBM messages. 12 text messages. 28 missed calls.
Yet it took only about fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes since I stepped into the bathroom. Fifteen short minutes since I updated my BlackBerry Messenger status with a picture of the ring on my finger and the words – Finally!!! Stone of Life! Yaaaaayyyyy!
To be honest, I didn’t expect this sort of response. Anyways, I’ve been enjoying every minute of it, soaking up all the love and attention and replying with Thanks hun, I appreciate it darl, Soon luv, depending on the question and who had asked it.
Everyone knows that girls love it when a sister gets engaged. I know because I do too, and I have also always wanted to experience this feeling. This rock star feeling of being the centre of attention for at least a day, an otherwise ordinary day that suddenly feels like one’s birthday. I’ve always wanted to know how Juli felt the day Jerry gave her a ring in the most unusual way, the strangest way possible.
Juli had insisted on paying her grandmother a visit on her own birthday and spending the day with her. She said it was something she owed her grandma for all the love she showered on her while she lived with grandma for five years while growing up. Jerry seemed taken aback by this strange idea of the perfect birthday, not just because her grandma’s house was really far away, but because he honestly wasn’t quite sure about the idea of spending the whole of his girlfriend’s birthday with her grandma. How awkward? Besides, he had also planned to take Juli out and spoil her silly but that would now have to wait. He did bulge eventually, and Juli had her wish, although Jerry said he wouldn’t be able to take her there since he had to be at the office. They would celebrate in the evening when she returned.
Juli got much more than she had wished for, because few minutes after she got to her grandma’s house, excited, birthday cake in hand, her grandma decided to give her a gift – a surprise gift inside her wardrobe. “Wow! Must be a lovely dress,” Juli must have thought, running to quickly pull open her grandma’s huge wardrobe as grandma grinned sheepishly behind her.
“OH-MY-GOD!” Juli must have screamed. “Oh my God! Oh my God!!”
There was Jerry. Right inside the wardrobe. Yeah, you got it – he went on one knee. With one outstretched hand. He was holding a tiny red case. With a gad-damn blinged out stoneeee! Really, I would have written my expression on BBM as ‘OMMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG’.
I wonder why Juli did not faint. I for one would have fainted if Le Boo pulled such a crazy stunt on me. I would die of shock, I’m sure.
Well, Jerry didn’t just kneel there staring, he actually opened his mouth (and oh, those pink lips) and popped the question of life, “JULI, WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
Who would even think before answering such a question of life from a man like Jerry.
If you’ve ever seen Jerry or any of his pictures that Juli so witlessly flaunts on social media, you will understand. Juli didn’t say yes or no. She just kept screaming, and grandma kept grinning awkwardly both with envy and pride, if you know what I mean. Juli told us she snatched the ring from his finger and put it on her fourth finger by herself. She said she was so excited that Jerry even had to remind her that he was still inside the obviously sweltering wardrobe before she made way for him and hugged him saying “Thank you, thank you...”and then turning to her grandma, “Oh grandma, why didn’t you tell me?” with grandma continuing to smile awkwardly in return as I imagine a tear or two must have rolled down her cheeks.
And then Juli must have reached for her phone almost immediately, found a perfect bright spot and taken a picture of her hand with the ring on, because we soon saw her BlackBerry messenger status with the picture of the ring on her finger and the line:
OMG!!! Lover boy just popped the question – from right inside my grandma’s wardrobe. #Stunned #Lovestruck #Heaven
The ring was beautiful, to be quite honest, but I had mixed feelings immediately. I have always dreamt of doing this – taking a picture of my beautiful engagement ring and putting it up on my status for all to envy and there she was, Juli, my bitter-sweet friend, going one better. I felt the way Le Boo told me he felt the day he saw a picture of one of his friends posing in front of a glittering Nissan Murano, accompanied by the words New Car things – Oluwa lo seyi o!
The words of my pastor immediately came to my mind, along with his face – The fastest way to get anything you want in life is to thank God genuinely when God does that same thing for somebody else as though it was for you. That was the day I realised that certain things are easier said than done. All I could feel was bitterness mixed with joy whenever I enlarged the picture and zoomed in on the ring.
Beautiful stone. To lie about that is to perish in the lake of fire.
That, basically, was my motivation for doing this. I had gone to window shop at a jewellery store yesterday and had tested the ring on my finger. And although the guy at the shop made it clear that they didn’t allow people take pictures of their rings, all I had to do was smile that my sexy smile for him and he couldn’t refuse me the honour. I had kept this picture anxiously until this morning and put it up shortly before stepping into the bathroom, and now I had all these calls and messages and I was feeling this much excitement and enjoying every little bit of it and all was well with the whole world.
Until my phone rang again and then my heart skipped when I saw the Caller ID – Le Boo.
“Jeez! How did I leave him out of all these?” I thought, as my pulse suddenly began to race. I knew what he was about to say, certainly. He must have seen my update too and his friends must have called him. Now this is the right time to scream, OMG!
I touched ‘Answer’.
“Babe, what’s this engagement ring and proposal ish?” he lashed out immediately.
I should have told him. I should have sought his consent.
“Babe, are you there?”
“It’s just a joke bee. It’s April Fool.”
“Of course I figured, because there is obviously only one me. But is this not a bit too much for April fool?”
I imagined his trademark shrug as he continued speaking without waiting for a response. He must really trust me so much to think I can’t get an engagement ring from anyone else but him.
“Is it not a bit over the top to make our priceless love into an object of ridicule all in the name of a flimsy April fool concept?”
Oh dear. Le Boo can like to interpret things and speak plenty English sha.
“Now everyone is calling me saying congratulations and all what not, and I have to pretend like I know what this is about?”
I couldn’t say anything.
“Babe, I’m talking to you nau?”
“Bee, I’m sorry. I just thought it would be fun. It’s been fun actually.”
“Fun? Are you for real? Babe? Fun?”
He was quiet for a while and then he said, “Okay,” and hung up.
I sighed. Okay. I would deal with him later. I know how to handle my Le Boo. Meanwhile, here was a challenge I had to deal with. It would soon be noon. How do I end this whole prank in a really nice way without hurting anyone? Anyone else, that is. Already, my sister had sent a message saying that one of my Aunties had called my mum to congratulate her and they were both wondering what was going on. Now, Sister Grace, my by-force prayer partner in church has also sent me messages - all sorts of prayers about how God is so faithful and how He never leaves those who hold on to Him and trust Him and how God had told her that today was the day I would get something I had long desired.
I paused after I read that one. Now, this has become pretty serious. Why would anyone even bring God into this matter? Why did everyone suddenly forgot that this was April Fool’s Day? Now I am about to make God a liar?
Oh precious dear.
‘Seun Salami is the author of The Son of your Father’s Concubine. He tweets via @SeunWrites
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''I say then; Walk in the spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of flesh.'' GALATIANS 5:16